Remember the kid who carried around binders of CDs in high school? That was me. I was obsessed with music. I couldn't play so I listened. I hung on every word, I lived through the stories I related with and empathized with the stories that I didn’t. Some of my favorite moments as a teenager was sitting on a bent tree behind my house in the woods, headphones in, eyes towered the blue sky breaking through the green tree line, listening to my mood. When I was who I wanted to be, days were filled with Jack Johnson’s On and On; when I was who I am, days were filled with The Offspring's Feelings. When I was who I wanted to be, I was good, and no matter how bad things got I believed my parents would forgive me and it would be alright. But when I was who I am, I realized that I wasn’t always good, and my parents wouldn’t always be there to forgive me— I would be responsible for myself and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. Whether in nature, on the bus, in my room or in the car, listening to music helped me reflect and balance the feelings I was having even if I didn’t fully understand them at the time.
One of my favorite albums from middle school was The Offspring's Americana, the opening track Have You Ever starts out yelling “Falling, I'm falling, falling, I'm falling” and that’s pretty much how I felt my entire life, like I was falling and I wanted to scream about it. I connected with songs like The Kids Aren’t Alright and No Brakes. About a year ago when I was in the early stages of this journey and I decided to revisit the album. I listened and reflected on how I felt back then, comparing what I thought I knew then, to what I think I know now. I wonder if the problems that I was facing weren’t just my own creation. I believed my parents could help me but I didn’t believe I could help myself because I was too busy listening to the Offspring and not spending enough time listening to my parents. If I had, I might have heard them teaching me.
At that stage of my life, I still felt like I was falling but with new reflection I found a deeper connection to the lyrics. From the end of Have you ever.
When the truth walks away, everybody stays
'Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay
So if you walk away, who is gonna stay?
'Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place
Looking at the world today it’s easy to be cynical. It’s true that crime does pay but there are more people who want to be good than want to be bad and that means we can leave the world a better place. After all if the good walk away who is gonna stay?
My life has been a battle between the person I am, flawed and bad, and the person I want to be, flawless and good. My highs and lows are attributed to the inability to forgive myself when I make mistakes. I would rather hide away than face the truth that I was bad. I would rather blame someone else for the problem than take responsibility for myself. Carrying that alone for so long is what left me with the feeling of falling and it was my wife who caught me by forgiving my flaws and giving me the courage and opportunity to tell the truth. She taught me that I could be flawed and loved and it was ok. I still have feelings of highs and lows but now I understand them better.
To the establishment that doesn’t understand my generations frustration, from the ending of the title track Americana.
I'm a product
Of my environment
So don't blame me, i just work here
Drums getting faster…
My rights are denied by
Those least qualified
Trading profit for pride
But it's okay
Everything's backwards
In americana my way
It’s not the Republicans fault. It’s not the Democrats fault. It’s both, and it happened because the people let it happen. If we want to preserve our rights we need to understand our feelings and take responsibility for ourselves.