Fatherhood
Teaching life through failure
Fatherhood sometimes feels like a never ending serious of failures. No matter the effort, I never fail to lose my cool and raise my voice. Raising my voice is what gives dads power, but it’s also makes dad scary. Some get loud because they're afraid, maybe one kid is about to unintentionally hurt another, so they yell to get their attention, but they may also frighten them. This habit of reaction is hard to reel back as the kids get older, by the time they’re teenagers the yelling is about incomplete chores instead of safety. Over time the yelling can become so habitual it seems normal, but it’s not.
I have a naturally authoritative delivery to the way I communicate, combine that with emotion and it makes this dad scary. My wife struggles with yelling as well, it’s something we are working on together. This weekend we had a moment where I was able to both help my wife and teach my son.
Vanessa and I went to the Old Town Whiskey Club Christmas party Saturday night and left the kids at my parents down the street. When we got home after midnight Vanessa took the dogs out and we went to bed. We got up around 8 to find that the dogs had accidents in the house while we were sleeping. It had been less than 8 hours since the last time they went out, so my wife went investigating. When she opened our sons door she found lots of candy wrappers all over the floor that the dogs got into. Candy, especially chocolate is not good for the dogs belly, but our son had hid the candy in his room where the dogs could get it. This is not the first time this has happened and needless to say my wife was not happy. I have seen this story play out so many times I could script it. I knew yelling was in the future but what could I do to limit the yelling?
I picked up the kids from my parents while Vanessa took care of the dogs. When we got back to the house, I directed everyone out of the car except Oliver. We sat and talked. I explained how he put his self interest first by breaking the rules, stealing and hiding candy in his room, and that resulted in ruining a rare night out for his mother. I told him that when he walked inside she was going to be mad and he needed to let her be mad as he was the result of her frustration. I told him that she was going to speak with frustration in her voice and instruct him on what to do, and he was to say “yes ma’am.” I said, “Don’t argue or get frustrated at her for being frustrated, if you do that it will result in a fight. She is allowed to have her feelings and you need to deal with it since you are the person who caused them. When your done listening to your mother and you’ve done what she asked then go an apologize. You didn’t mean for this to happen and she knows it, and she will forgive you, but she needs to see some humility in you. When you get mad at her for your actions it’s lacking humility and only adds to her frustration because is makes her feel like your not learning and that makes her feel like she’s failing you. At the end of the day she’s mad because she loves you and I know the anger can be scary but it’s only temporary, but the love she has for you is eternal.”
When he got inside Vanessa started running through what she found and what she wanted him to do. He said “yes ma’am”. He spent the next hour cleaning up the mess and when he was finished he apologized. There was no yelling. With all the failures of fatherhood it was nice to get a win.
Later in the afternoon I took Oliver and Julia with me to work, I own a small custom apparel business and the end of the year is our busiest time which often requires some weekend work to make it through the season. Oliver has shown interest in the embroidery part of my company over the years so I took this time to teach him to operate the machines. When we started I told him that I was not dad but boss, his job was to listen, do what was instructed and ask questions if he didn’t understand. The first thing I told him to do was unload and load the machine. The next thing I knew the machine was running. I stopped it and said, “Did I asked you to start the machine.” He said no. I told him that when you get a job your boss is not looking to see if you can do the job fast, they will be looking to see if you can do the job right. In his rush to start the machine he had forgotten to load one of the heads, it was no big deal but it showed he was not listening. I reminded him that his boss will want an employee who listens. I explained, “Your boss wants someone who is teachable and an employee who doesn’t listen is difficult to teach. That employe will still learn but it will take longer, and by not listening they limit their own opportunity for growth.”
Next we started with hooping. Hooping is the process of which we attach the garment to the machine for stitching. It’s important the shirts are hooped properly so the logo goes on straight and in the right location. Today we were hooping long sleeves which is one of the more difficult areas to hoop on a shirt. I showed him a few times and then watched him for a bit. I told him, “I will give you the information on how it should be done but the rest will be up to you, a lot of this is feel and you’ll learn with practice and experience.” I gave him 5 shirts, 5 hoops and told him to let me know when he was done and I would check it over.
He finished the set and went to put them on the machine. I had to stop and remind him to get me to check them over. The first one I looked at was very off center. I asked him if he thought it was good. He said yes. “Really?” I said. '“Remember your boss doesn’t expect you to be perfect the first time you try something. Your boss is getting to know you and while trying to teach they are also looking to building trust. He needs to trust your judgment. Do you really think this is correct?” His head dropped and he smiled a bit “No, it’s not straight and it’s off center.” “Great! Now can you explain why you couldn’t get it right?” He explained the difficulties to me. Then I said “Can you express that in the form of a question?” He said “Can you help me? I line everything up but when I press the hoop in, it moves and it ends up being off center.” I showed him some tricks to keep the garment still and then reminded him it’s mostly about feel, and trial and error are important in this leaning process. I said “You tend to hide your failures, but it is through failure that we learn the best. Don’t be afraid to share your mistakes and others won’t be afraid to help you.” After that he kept practicing and within 30 minutes he was hooping like a pro. He said “it’s not that hard once you get it.” With a smile I said, “Yep. It’s all feel and once you build the habit it become really easy. You know you learned that faster than most people. Good job.”
There are plenty of days when I lose my cool and don’t do the things I know I should, instead of stopping the yelling I may allow my emotions to get pulled in and be the one who instigates it. On this day I used my past failures to guide my present decision making. I was able to take that same thought process and use it to teach my son a new skill. After all, fatherhood isn’t about doing the job fast and getting instant results, it’s about building trust and communication between your children and yourself.
Monday night my wife made us a family meal and we sat around the table. My twins were gobbling up their delicious lasagna and my son was telling my wife about his day at work with dad. He said “Dad taught me to hoop and run the machines.” I couldn’t help but feel good hearing him discuss his day, but what he doesn’t realize is I wasn’t just teaching him to hoop, I was teaching him how to communicate so he could learn on his own. I realized the power of raising my voice is limited, what does it matter if I have their attention if they’ve stopped listening. The real power I hold as a father is not how loud or sternly I talk but the information I pass to my children. It may have taken 13 years of failure to finally figure this part out but the way I see it is, as long as they know I am trying and love them, then they will forgive me for my failures just as I have forgiven them for theirs. Hopefully we will both be better people as a result of our experience together.