Girl dad
There she is, big green eyes, her tangled hair draped over a dimpled cheek, lip puckered “Pleeeeease daddy?” It’s nearly impossible to tell her no. Her name is Ellie, and she is one of my 5-year-old twins. She’s the type of girl who plays in the dirt and wears high heels, with holey leggings. She carries a purse on her elbow and a shovel in her hand. She is curious and intelligent. Whether it’s with her legs and arms crossed looking at me in the garage or standing on her stool in the kitchen, she’s always watching. Her twin sister Sadie is the type of girl who wants to win. She doesn’t go anywhere without her purse complete with eye shadow, lip gloss, and mirror. She’ll only wear dresses and heels, but that won’t stop her from playing in the dirt with her sister. She is cunning and intelligent. Together they’re an unstoppable force. Grandparents, and teachers, are no match for their powers of persuasion.
I feel like I am playing a game rigged against me. What is a dad to do with these brilliant devils? There are so many who spoil my girls, my wife included. But I have something they don’t, consistency. They ask me for a doughnut and if the answer is no, it’s no. If they ask someone else for a doughnut, they may end up with anything from a pop tart to a bag of fruit snacks. If I ever change my no to a yes, it’s because I have listened to their reason and determined I was wrong. Listening to them shows them how to listen to others. It’s easy to say oh well it’s just one pop tart, they were good. It’s hard to understand that it’s never just one pop tart, it’s a consumer society that shapes us to be wasteful and frivolous. We live in a society that rewards want over needs. Being the lone force placing their needs over their wants can be exhausting and I fail from time to time.
We live in an opulent society; our children are sold a version of life that isn’t realistic. Advertising teaches our kids that wants are needs and the generational decay of the education system has shaped them to believe they have to “be themselves”. But my wife and I do not subscribe to that method of parenting. We believe it is a parent’s duty to build a foundation for our children to grow from, after all a seed watered is more likely to blossom than a seed left alone. We share ourselves with our kids and shape them in our image. My girls are blessed to have strong female role models who teach them to both lead and serve. Women who teach them about their femineity and allow the girls to decide what parts to embrace. My wife, my mother, and my mother-in-law teach them to be women. And as their daddy, I teach them to reason and love.
The girls are excellent communicators and express their feelings with a refreshing openness. When a grandparent says no, they are hit over the head with thoughtful reasoning delivered with a toothless smile. And if the no persists, they will read the room and either throw a tantrum of tears or pleases. And if everything else fails, they will pull out their last tool, and ask for something else. And they keep asking until they get a yes. They are relentless. And because of this, they are spoiled.
Recently I have seen some encouraging growth in them. Ellie came in and asked for a “want”, she gave her reasons and puckered her lips, but I held strong. The answer was no. Instead of redirecting me to another want, she responded with an “ok daddy” and redirected me to a need. She walked out without throwing a tantrum and with a smile on her face. I have another advantage over everyone else, “I’m Daddy” they are watching me more, so I have more opportunity to affect their behavior. Daughters seek their mother’s respect and their father’s love and it’s important I teach them that love comes from the heart wrapped in truth and not from a corporation wrapped in plastic.
When the girls were young, I taught them the redirect game. I would redirect them from a want to a need, but they soon realized how to use this to their advantage with others. I tried to solve a problem and created a different one because they were watching and learning from me. But as their daddy, I watch them just the same. And I try to shape them to grow toward the light, I may clip a wilted leaf here and there, but I will never cast them in darkness.