How do we communicate?

Are you an Active or a Passive?

In my observable world, my family, my friends, my community, my sphere; it is the nature of humans to be either Active or Passive in communication. Active communicators are quick to speak and tend to struggle to listen. Passive communicators listen well but are timid to speak. My wife is a Passive communicator. I am an Active.

Actives learn best through observation and experimentation. They don’t like to read directions. They think in the abstract more than the concrete. They operate on intuition and experience. Actives are outgoing and engaging. They can be disorganized and scattered. They sometimes struggle to focus on one thing, they may jump from task to task, never finishing anything. They are salespeople, entertainers, lawyers, and evangelicals. They are our orators. People like Patrick Henry, John Adams, Alexander Hamilton, Daniel Webster, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt.

Passives learn best through instruction and dissection. They don’t want to start until the directions have been read. They’re thinking is more concrete than abstract. They operate on logic and experience. Passives are reserved or stoic. They can be aloof and withdrawn. Sometimes they hyper-focus on one thing and forget about everything else. They are accountants, mechanics, lawyers, and pastors. They are our administrators. People like George Washington, John Quincy Adams, James Monroe, Grover Cleveland, and Calvin Coolidge.

Understanding the nature of how the individual communicates is important in relationships. I have twin six-year-olds. Ellie is a Passive communicator like her mother. Sadie is an Active communicator like me. Understanding this allows my wife and I to guide them better, putting them in comfortable environments for growth. It also gives us clarity as where they should be challenged. Pushing them closer to that center line of proper communication. The right balance of listening and speaking. Doing it yourself and following the directions.

A Passive communicator is also passive in expression. When upset, they tend to bottle rather than share or vent. Active communicators may over-express themselves. This is commonly seen in children when a child shuts down or throws a tantrum. Ellie shuts down, and Sadie throws tantrums. Adults do this but in different forms. I yell, and my wife gives the silent treatment. Nurturing the child toward a balanced line of communication will help them better express their feelings as they age. Expressing feelings is vital in a successful family structure. When people live in close habitats, they will inevitably get on one another’s nerves. Understanding the proper patience and expression around difficult conversations will help each party be heard to resolve the issue.

Passive and Active relationships can become volatile when communication breaks. One of my favorite bands is the Talking Heads. The song Psycho Killer describes what happens between an Active and Passive when they don’t understand each other.

You start a conversation, you can't even finish it
You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?

The Active will continue to talk until they feel like they are heard and understood. The Passive will make their point and then shut down. The Active didn’t hear the Passives’ point because they were busy making theirs. The Active may eventually realize this and stop to listen, but the Passive has made their point and won’t say it again. Or maybe what the Passive said isn’t what they meant. The Active explains in the abstract, and the Passive may only speak in the concrete. The Passive heard everything the Active said, but it didn’t make sense because it was disorganized and scattered. Faltering Active communication is like trying to read a book with all the pages ripped out and taped back out of order. You have all the information and context, but you must put it together to make sense. Faltering Passive communication is like reading only a book's last couple of chapters. You know the point, but you have no idea how you got there.

The human condition of lying is present in both Actives and Passives but in different ways. Actives lie actively. Passives lie passively. Actives speak lies. Passives lie with silence. For example, earlier today, when I found my work glove in my twin’s bathroom, I asked Sadie how it got there, and she told me a story about how and why Ellie had it there. When the truth was that Sadie was the one who brought it upstairs. When Ellie and her older brother Oliver argued today, I asked them what the problem was. Ellie said little to nothing.

This is the nature of humanity. Self Preservation. Each child tries to avoid incriminating themselves, and they do it in a way that aligns with their communication strengths. If they were in the wild and a predator was approaching, Ellie might hide while Sadie might attack. Sadie will never sit still long enough for the predator to pass without detecting her. Understanding this weakness in herself, she decides to attack. Sadie is a quick thinker, giving her an advantage. Ellie is more of a process thinker, she has no problem sitting still when needed. Hiding gives her the advantage of time, and she is patient enough to allow the predator to pass without drawing attention to herself.

Whether the child is Active or Passive, each bursts with energy and struggles to sit still. Passives can hyper-focus on one thing they are interested in. This is more difficult for the Active because they focus on everything. It becomes easier to channel the energy of a Passive child over that of an Active one. The key is finding an activity that interests the child. The Active child will need more guidance on focusing and channeling their energy. They may need to work in a smaller group or with one-on-one assistance until they have the foundation for the activity. Small groups and one-on-one assistance is effective with both Actives and Passives to help them with their weaknesses. Actives for listening and Passives for speaking.

Actives and Passives each have their own set of strengths and weaknesses. Neither is superior to the other. When parenting, if a parent understands their communication tendency, it will allow them to balance their child. Both Actives and Passives need to learn how to communicate. An Active needs to learn how to listen, and a Passive needs to learn how to speak. Both need to learn how to express themselves. An Active needs to temper their expression, and a Passive needs to express more. An Active needs to learn how to focus on the detail. A Passive must learn to zoom out and see the big picture.

Before the parent can balance the child, the parent needs to understand where they fall on the balance line of communication. Active or Passive? If you are trying to figure out who you are, ask yourself a few questions. Do you like to talk in front of people? Are you organized? Do you read instructions? Do you listen to speak? Do you speak to listen? How do you learn best?

Just because someone is a Passive doesn’t mean they can’t think in the abstract. And just because someone is an Active doesn’t mean they can’t be a good listener. In fact, if each is balanced, they can excel at the activity. Thinking in the abstract becomes more powerful with a foundation of reason and logic. Listening becomes more powerful when the listener asks the right questions, allowing the speaker to reveal more of themselves.

As adults, my wife and I found we were out of balance. Discovering I was Active, I found ways to help myself focus. I began reading using noise-canceling AirPods. Keeping distractions to a minimum. I wrote down my thoughts as I read. Keeping a timeline of sorts helped me learn how to organize my thoughts better. Then I began to write in more of a structured form. Reading my thoughts out loud allowed me to hear what I was saying and fine-tune how I said it. I also began to use writing as a form of expression. Channeling my expression into a healthier form allowed me to understand how I felt better. And allowed me to express only what was needed and not everything I felt.

My wife discovered she was a Passive, and has found ways to spread her focus. Scheduling more time for others. She also began to read more. This allowed her to listen to how others communicate and express themselves. She began writing as well. This allowed her to express the things she struggles to express out loud. Reflecting on her thoughts gave her the confidence to speak about the difficult things she had avoided in the past. She has learned how to express the feelings that need to be expressed.

Identifying your natural communication tendency over your nurtured tendency as an adult can be difficult. For example, I’m an Active, and my father is a Passive. As a boy, I observed him more than anyone. I picked up his Passive strengths and weaknesses. My wife is a Passive, and her mother is an Active. She also picked up both her mother’s strengths and weaknesses. Thinking back to our childhood and observing our children allowed us to discover our natural communication tendency. Seeing their nature and our impressions on them allowed us to decipher what was natural and what was nurtured. The balance provided by our parents has made us stronger individuals. Working through it as an adult will make our children stronger individuals.

While we both understand our strengths and weaknesses in communication and are working to balance ourselves and each other, we still fail regularly. This is where the most important part of communication comes in. Forgiveness. We must learn to forgive ourselves and try again. And we must be willing to forgive others and give them another chance. We must acknowledge that for communication to work, it takes two parties working together. If it fails, it is not either party’s fault, it’s both. If you find yourself in a relationship with broken or strained communication, ask yourself, are you doing enough? If you’re an Active, are you really listening? If you're a Passive, are you really expressing the point you think you are?

How do you communicate? Active or Passive? Leave a comment below.