Growing up, I had incredibly vivid and realistic dreams and nightmares.
When I was a young boy, I would go with my dad to work, sometimes during the summer, or sometimes if I was out of school for other reasons. He was a heavy equipment mechanic. I remember when he welded his wedding ring to his finger, and I remember a story about how a co-worker had injured himself, and my dad, who was queasy at the sight of blood, still managed to help him out and get him to the hospital.
All those things created fear inside of me, and that fear manifested itself into nightmares. I would have nightmares about my dad getting injured or killed at work. It would keep me up at night. I remember waking up and feeling like the events had really happened. They felt real. One time, my mom came into my room late at night, and I didn't believe her. I thought my dad was dead, and she had to go get him before I would calm down.
Fast forward to today, I recently had one of those realistic, vivid dreams that felt real, which was also a little bit of a nightmare.
All of my friends were over. My friends from my pre-political life, as well as some of my friends from my new political life. People were there that I don't even really know in person, but I've just met online. Everybody was over at my house, but it was a combination of my house and my parents' house. Everybody decided to sleep over, but we didn't have enough beds, pillows, or anything. So, somehow we ended up at this resort, where we were having a great time having dinner, drinks, and playing corn hole and poker.
It felt great to be with all the people I care about and love. At one point, a friend I hadn't seen in a long time asked me about my hip. He commented that it must really suck not to be able to work out, run, or be active. I could feel myself getting emotional. So I left the room.
I didn't want to ruin the experience. I didn't want to think about anything negative. I just wanted everyone to enjoy the moment. But when I left, I couldn't find my way back.
I was searching all night through a massive resort with all these different rooms. I just stepped outside for a second, but when I opened the door back up, it was a different place—a different room.
Every time I opened up another door and it wasn't the right one, it hurt. And I had that same feeling again and again, room after room. But I kept searching all night. Eventually, I woke up and thought, “God, that was just awful.”
It felt real, but I knew it wasn't, clearly.
As I reflect on my dream, like the dreams I had about my dad and his accidents at work, it was rooted in reality. Rooted in emotions, I am filtering through. That's why they felt so real to me.
Ever since I started this political journey, I have been split. Do I stay or do I go? Ultimately, I haven’t really wanted to go because changing my focus would mean separating myself from many people I care about.
I've also struggled to build a new group of people. I think I've finally reached a point in my life where I've formed a new group of people, and I miss my old group. Ultimately, I believe that to be successful, I need to bring those two groups of people together, put them in the same room, and talk about representation.
That's the idea behind the Representation Summit we are planning at No Cap, and I have been vocal with those around me about feeling like I'm not doing enough. I work a lot and I'm always busy, but I don’t feel like I am doing the hard things I need to do to be successful.
But is that feeling real? Or is that just a fear?
And my hip, being what it is, has caused me significant pain. It's made it harder for me. It's also made me more emotional in many ways. And I'm already an emotional guy. I used to release a lot of my emotions by working out and going for a run. And now I can't.
I’m sad about it, angry about it, and I'm afraid, I worry, that I walked out of the room, and I won't be able to get back. I'm afraid that not only am I going to fail to do the things that I need to do. But I'm also going to lose the people that I care about most.
I know I have a lot of support out there. And I am trying to do the really hard things, the things that I don't want to do. I am working on it every day. I know that I am doing the right things, and I will get there. And I know that my fears are just impatience.
I started doing the hard things several years ago now. While it may have taken me longer to get where I wanted to go, to learn the things that I needed to learn, I know that I've learned them, and I know that while my hip is an impediment, it can't and hasn't stopped me because I have people in my life who have helped me overcome the unexpected challenge.
It's not easy to persevere through something that's challenging, something that you don't enjoy doing. For some people, that might be eating their broccoli. For others, it might be making a phone call. That thing that brings you to your weakest point, where you feel out of your depth or uncomfortable.
For me, that thing is asking for money. To tie everything together in the dream, I think ultimately, for me to get my new group and my old group together, I have to raise the money for the summit.
I've invested a lot of time in figuring out how to fundraise, and I'm confident I can make it happen. I’ve reached out for help, and I will continue to do so. But it’s a lot of work, and honestly, I am exhausted from learning new things. The fear I feel is the patience required to learn, along with the worry that I might fail. But it’s not real, it’s just another impediment in my way. And I know it will happen in God’s time, not mine.
Peace & Love,
Jeff Mayhugh