Is being a father enough?
Stay present, patient, and persistent.
I think fathers are so important. Probably because I am one, but mostly because I have had some great fathers in my life.
My dad taught me the value of hard work and the importance of self-reliance. My granddaddy taught me how to talk to people and tell a story. As a small business owner, I have found that these values passed down to me have been critical to my success over the past 20 years.
Because of my dad, I can organize and execute important tasks. Because of my grandaddy, I’ve been able to build lasting relationships with clients and vendors and communicate with employees in a relatable way. And because of both of them, I am willing and able to “do the work” required for success.
Success is a complicated thing. You can be good at some things and bad at others. My dad and grandaddy weren’t perfect, but they were enough. There is something beautiful about being enough for your children. I hope one day my kids will look back and, instead of wishing they had more time with me, say, “He gave me everything he could, and that was enough.”
I have been a father myself for about 17 years now. As a father, I wouldn’t call myself a success, but not a failure either. I read a lot of stories about fathers and sons; it seems to me that most fathers would agree: Fatherhood is a work in progress. The kid is always growing, which means you must always be growing.
One of the great things about fathers is their willingness to pass knowledge to the next generation so their children can live safer, freer, and happier lives. I am no expert, but there are a few lessons I have learned along the way.
I am an unconventional father in many ways. I became a father when my first daughter was born in 2009, and then became a father to two boys when I married my wife, Vanessa, in 2014. In 2016, we had twin girls. A blended family of a college student, two high school students, and two elementary school kids.
I have made a lot of mistakes. There are so many moments I wish I could redo, but I can’t. While I can’t change the past, I can learn from it. My dad wasn’t perfect, and it’s ok that I’m not either. What’s important is that I keep growing, because if I keep growing, so will they.
I am at my best as a father when I am present, patient, and persistent.
One of the best things you can do with your kid is spend time with them. Play with them, work with them, learn with them. You’ll learn about them, and they will learn to trust you. As parents, we sometimes get caught jonesing for everything we wanted as kids or following all the trends on social media, so we try to do them all. But when I look back at my childhood, the moments I value the most are some of the most “boring.” Spending the day with my mom at the bank, or watching my dad covered in grease, working on a cement mixer. Doing the dishes with granddaddy and volunteering at the firehouse with grandma.
To be present doesn’t mean you have to be a Little League coach or the PTO president; it just means you need to be there. Do life with them. Do all the little monotonous things that have to get done to make the great things possible, and do it with them. Fold the laundry, do the dishes, and take your kid to work.
While you’re doing life with them, you will quickly realize how bad you are at it. All your bad habits will suddenly appear before your eyes as a younger, similar version of yourself. So you will need to be patient with them. They will learn from what you do more than from what you say. You will want them to be better than you, so you will need to grow with them. Which means you will need to be patient with yourself, too.
Children are resilient, which means they can reach levels of annoyance that most adults can never dream of. We are so tired from taking care of them, we can’t remember what it was like to have that much energy. You will need to take a lot of crap without losing your cool, but when you do snap and lose your cool. You need to forgive yourself, and don’t let yourself get trapped with guilt.
What’s important to the child is love, and forgiveness is essential to love. And accountability is essential to forgiveness. Your mistake turns into an opportunity to lead. You get to show them what it means to be accountable. Don’t be afraid to apologize to your child–– explain yourself, but don’t excuse yourself. Remember, they learn from what you do. So be patient.
If you are present and patient, you are doing a great job, but I bet you’re tired. Day in, day out is another challenge, and parenting never ends. You are going to make mistakes. They are going to make mistakes. You both must keep going. In the words of Jimmy Valvano, “never give up, don’t ever give up.” Be persistent. Keep doing the dishes with them even though they don’t do it exactly the way you want. It’s not about them being a perfect you; it’s about you sharing youself with them. Don’t give up on them. It’s about consistency.
Kids think everything is boring. By staying persistent, you’re helping them overcome life’s boredom. And teaching them that not everything has to be perfect. Problems are going to occur; it’s no reason to let it stop you. Life goes on, and so must parents.
People thrive when they have structure, even though we naturally resist it. Children resist it most of all. By being present, patient, and persistent, parents build trust and gradually teach their children how to govern themselves.
I can’t say that I am always present, patient, and persistent. Sometimes I get lost in work. Sometimes I lose my cool. But I give my children every ounce of love I have. I am still growing, and so are they.
It’s what my fathers gave me.
And it is enough.
Peace & Love,
Jeff Mayhugh
PS. If you are cuirous of the values our Founding Fathers left us, check out the latest post at the The Uncapped Papers.
