My "first born"
Some kids want to be Astronauts, I wanted to be a father. By 23 I was married and by 24 we welcomed my “first born” Julia to the world. Julia wasn’t entering a home though; she was entering two homes. By 25 I was divorced and living back with my parents. I remember the moment I realized it was over. The rain was pounding on the roof of my car. The inside was littered with tissues, and I was finishing a call with my soon-to-be ex-father-in-law. I remember saying something like “what am I supposed to do… I don’t want another mom for my daughter.” I rambled and rambled knowing that when this call was over, it was over. I had to move on. The shame of failure was setting in. I failed his daughter and mine. I was 24 and I was about to be a single father.
After I accepted the truth of my failure, I had to tell my parents. It was not a comfortable moment for me. My stomach was in knots. My parents were as confused as I was, but their hearts and mind were in the right place. My dad said something like “somebody has to think about that baby girl”. It was at that moment I realized I didn’t just fail her dad; I failed mine too. I wanted so badly to run away. How could I be a good dad to her when I couldn’t be a good husband to her mother. But she was my responsibility and I loved her. I had to find a way to be a good dad under the circumstances. And within a few years, I would have to learn to share her with another dad when her mom re-married. I remember leaving the Target parking lot after a drop-off, just hearing the news from my ex-wife. My daughter had another father. I felt like I was being replaced. I lashed out here and there, but I had to “think about that baby girl” and instead of trying to compete with her new dad, I tried my best to work with him and learn from him where I could.
My “first born” is the one who made me a father. She is a mixture of all her parents, she is intelligent, thoughtful, and empathetic. She can be aloof and snarky, but she has an uncanny ability to see the truth in a world filled with lies. I am so very proud of the woman she is becoming. Recently we were at Jirani’s waiting for the open mic to start and she had just finished the last book in the Hunger Games trilogy. She walked over in tears, I got up and gave her a hug and I related to her so much at that moment. It was one of those moments where you look at your child and see yourself. It was a moment that made me love her and myself more.
By the time my “first born” was two, we had met her new mom and brothers and this single father went from raising one kid from a broken home to raising three kids from a broken home. My “first born” was now a middle child. I was out of my depth and wildly unprepared, but I did the best I could. I am the type of person who tends to give his attention where it is needed most. Julia was always self-sufficient and had another father, but my boys didn’t. Looking back, I feel like I sometimes didn’t give her the attention she deserved but I am grateful her “other” dad was there to help me carry the weight of fatherhood.
Julia’s “other” dad is as much her father as I am. According to our daughter, he reads history like me-- we don’t hang out or talk much, but we respect each other. I can see the positive influence he’s had on my daughter’s life. Being a stepfather presents its own set of unique challenges and he’s navigated them with kindness and grace. He may not realize it, but he has made me a better man, and most importantly he has made my daughter a better person.
Fatherhood has been the biggest challenge of my life and at 36, I think I am finally the father my kids need me to be. Each of my children requires something different because each one has different family experiences. I try to be adaptable as possible while still maintaining my principles as a father. It is my job to lead and teach them to follow. If I am successful, they will one day lead and teach others to follow.
Fatherhood is an extremely complex endeavor, and it is shaped in us from generation to generation. And each generation is faced with its own set of unique challenges that make parenting difficult. Our generation is faced with a lack of leadership which has led to our entitlement society. The best thing we can do for our children is to learn from our experiences and help each other carry the weight of fatherhood in a fatherless world. To all the fathers out there trying to serve your children’s needs over their wants, thank you. To all the fathers out there just trying to be you and teach your children to be good, thank you. To all the fathers who accept the truth of their failures and grow, thank you. To all the stepfathers and fathers out there working with each other rather than against each other, thank you. And to all the fathers and father figures in my life, thank you.