Notes on being a Christian.

I became a Christian almost three years ago. I had been going to church since 2016, but in 2023, I decided to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. And it’s wonderful, but it’s also a struggle.

It’s not like I didn’t believe in God before I became a Christian. I kind of always believed. When I was a kid, I would say I didn’t believe, but secretly I’d pray in my bedroom at night. I didn’t go to church. I didn’t understand faith. But deep down inside, I always felt like there was something more to this life.

Having faith is one thing; being a Christian is another.

After getting baptized in 2023, I remember having a conversation with a close friend of mine. He was excited for me. And he said something that I think about often. He said, “Now comes the tough part: sanctification.” I didn’t quite understand what he meant at the time, but I definitely get it now.

Being a Christian is hard. As Christians, we understand that we’re not perfect. But we are in this endeavor to be more like Jesus, who is perfect. We’re never going to be successful in this life, and yet we accept that.

It’s like running a race you know you’re never going to finish. Sometimes it gets tiring. You just want to give up and step off the course. But I think it’s important to remember that I’m not racing for me. I’m racing for others, for him.

One of the core tenets of being a Christian is forgiveness, and I’ve found that it’s sometimes easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself. My mind is constantly running, replaying all my mistakes, all the things that I regret.

I don’t often think about the things people do wrong to me, but I do often think about the things I do wrong. I try my best to make amends and apologize when I’ve made a mistake, but it doesn’t help. I still find myself with that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That uneasy feeling about the mistake I wish I hadn’t made. To paraphrase Sinatra, regrets, I have a lot.

Even though I’m trying, I will never be anything other than a sinful man. I keep running, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. I know that he has forgiven me, and I know that if I can forgive myself, I can break the cycle I am stuck in and move toward my goal. But that’s easier said than done.

This world doesn’t make it easy either. There’s temptation everywhere. There’s a bar on every corner. There’s basically a brothel on every phone. People solve their problems by lying, cheating, screaming, yelling, and fighting. I’m not here to judge; I’ve done my fair share of screaming and yelling, too. I try to turn the other cheek, then I turn it back the other way, and then I turn it back the other way. It never stops, and eventually, I just get angry, and I say what I really think. And yes, sometimes the things need to be said, but not in anger and frustration, which is obvious to others when I am at my worst.

Before I became a Christian, I would rationalize this and say, well, at least I was telling the truth. Now that I’m a Christian, it’s not good enough. Now I need to tell the truth with kindness and gentleness in my heart. And the truth is, I’m not a gentle soul. I’m an animal. I am competitive. I can be ruthless, and I try my best not to be. I so often go against my instincts that I find myself falling behind in life.

I get down on myself about it, but then I ask: would I rather be good and do the right thing for the Lord, or be successful in the eyes of the world? And what is success anyway? Is it a fancy car, a lot of numbers in your bank account, or is it peace and love with your family? Is it making God smile?

The funny thing is that the more numbers that are in your bank account, the easier it is to find peace and love with your family. It’s hard to be calm and peaceful when you’re struggling to make ends meet. Worried about this or that.

And it’s not like I’m in a terrible financial position. I have done well for myself and my family. I mention this because I just read Andrew Yang’s book The War on Normal People. He speaks about this. About how there’s this perception that poor people are somehow lazy or bad. The reality is that it’s just more difficult to be good when you’re in survival mode.

Jesus knows this.

That’s why he invited us into his kingdom. That’s why he gave us a path to be good and to find peace, free from the materialistic things this world brings us. That’s why he asks us to serve others. He helps us fight off temptation and reminds us that we are forgiven and loved. All we have to do is believe. Believe in him. Believe that we can be better day after day, step by step. And when we do, we get a little closer to that finish line. We are called to follow him.

While it doesn’t feel like the race will ever end and we’ll never win, it’s not about winning. It’s about the journey, about trying our best, about doing good, about serving others, and about serving God. It’s a daily call to sacrifice and to follow something bigger. To put your faith in Jesus into daily action.

Being a Christian is hard. Still, I don’t want to be anything else.

Peace and Love,

Jeff Mayhugh