She wants you to love her.
Another Poetry Drop
Do you ever have days when you feel defeated? I know I do.
My collapsed hip leaves me in significant pain, my left leg is shorter than the right, causing additional pain in my knee and ankle. At night, I clinch my jaw, which causes pain in my neck. I can’t sleep more than an hour at a time. Between the lack of sleep and voluminous amounts of reading and writing, my brain is in a constant state of motion. Constantly focused. It feels like it’s in a vice. Some nights I toss and turn so much, I leave the bed so I don’t wake Vanessa, lie on the couch, and pray God will bring me peace. But without sleep, without that rest, and recovering, I get worn down.
I go through the day like a zombie, checking off items on my list and occasionally crashing for a 30-minute nap. Work gets done, but not as much as I want. I always feel like I am behind. Add to that the difficulties I am having getting my surgery booked, and it leaves my frustration level high and my energy level low.
When my energy level is low, discouragement can set in. It becomes harder to convince myself that everything will be ok, because I feel so weak. Friday night, after a long week, I went to bed discouraged. Vanessa could tell.
When I woke her in the morning, she grabbed my hand and asked me if everything was ok. I said I was fine. She knew better. She pressed, but I said I was just tired. Which was true, I didn’t feel fine, because I didn’t have the energy to feel fine. I knew I had a packed day in front of me. Watching my nieces and twins until noon, then my fellowship class til three. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I had to keep going.
Around one, Vanessa took the kids to the pool with her mom. My fellowship ended early, and I crashed on the couch. After I woke up, I finally felt like I had some energy again. I thought about Vanessa, how she got up and cleaned the house, then helped me with the girls so I could rest a little before my fellowship. Then she took them out so I could have the house quiet and finally get some sleep and work done.
I feel so lucky to have a partner who lifts me up when I don’t have the energy. I took a break from reading about politicians and writing about representation, and I did something I wanted to do. I wrote about her. My muse. My love.
Please enjoy my latest poetry drop.
She wants you to love her.
She wants you to touch her.
Run your hands through her hair,
caress her cheek,
rub her feet,
wrap your arms around and hold her tight.
She wants you to look at her.
Glimpse her as she readies for the day,
observe her making dinner,
watch her with the children,
see the person she is day to day.
She wants you to hear her.
Listen to her laugh,
understand her perspective,
be attentive to her needs,
do what your told.
She wants you to speak to her.
Share about your day,
explain how you feel,
discuss your differences,
tell her what to do.
She wants you to know her,
and she wants to know you.
Open yourself to her,
and she will open herself to you.
Love her in the morning before you start the day.
Love her in the evening before you sleep.
Love her and she will love you.
She wants you to love her.
Obviously, this is about Vanessa, but it’s also a combination of my thoughts from this week. I have been reading about the culture “war on men.” (Read the articles linked in the linked article for more context.) This is a repercussion of the Me Too movement. From my perspective, men as a whole have been told their desire for the opposite sex is somehow bad or perverse, all because of a handful of men abusing their power. But power can be abused in both directions. As a result, young men have become timid and more insecure than usual.
I wanted to write something to guide the next generation of young men like my son, so they don’t have the same struggles as the current generation of men. Letting them know that their desires are not bad or evil, that they need not hide who they are, just focus them in the right areas. She wants you, and it’s ok that you want her.
Love is good. And when people love, they are good.
Peace and Love,
Jeff Mayhugh