The Lego Build, pt. 2

Touch my nose, now touch yours.

Before starting bag 5, I had Oliver read The Lego Build. I wanted to share my perspective and ask he share his. He demonstrated to me that he had a firm grasp on the concept of communication and leadership I was laying out for him. Next I shared the plan going forward, and let him know that he could talk to me about anything, and ask me anything, and if he felt uncomfortable to remember 3 things: you’re not stupid, you’re not bad, and I love you.

Bag 5 started the “brother phase” of communication and I struggled out of the gate. Our children change so seamlessly sometimes we don’t even realize it, one day we wake up and the little boy who snapped slim jims in the parking lot while Christmas shopping for his mother, is now a moody teenager who wants little to do with his mother or father. Sometimes it feels like living with a stranger, by this stage in his life he has been shaped by so many outside influences like teachers, friends, and entertainment, that he hardly resembles the little boy his mother and I raised. Such is the life of a parent, when we bring our newborn home we are adapting them to a new environment. We balance adapting ourselves to them, and them to us. We do this through communication, verbal and non verbal. We slowly teach them to understand themselves through us. “Touch my nose, now touch yours.” In return they trust us, listen to us, and love us. Adapting a newborn to our world is easy compared with adapting a teenager to THE WORLD, but it’s our responsibility to do so. And we do it the same way, by teaching them to understand through us, but now that they are older, it requires more vulnerability and openness on our part.

He changed so they way I communicated with him changed, but now it needs to change again and CHANGE IS HARD, even for parents. So, the build started out quiet. I asked questions and got short one word answers, “what are you doing in school?” “good” he’d say. Communication is about building, and I needed to keep trying until he gave me enough for a foundation. So I kept asking him questions: “What type of legos do you like?” “What’s the girls name you like?” “Have you talked to her?” “What are you doing in PE right now?” It’s hard to keep pressing someone to talk who doesn’t show an interest, but I have to remind myself that this is new for him too. He is still learning about himself and it’s difficult to communicate something one doesn’t fully understand, even if that something is you. My persistence paid off and by the time the build was over he was speaking in sentences again and I was looking forward to using this foundation for our next conversation.

Bags 6-8 went really well, we talked more than we have in months. It felt natural again, it felt like we were back on couch, just the two of us, on Saturday morning while his mother and siblings slept. We talked about baseball, basketball, girls, and some other subjects I’ll keep between us. At the end of bag 7 I said, “it was good talking with you buddy” he said, “ yeah, it was good talking with you too.” And with that my confidence as a father grew three sizes that day, like the Grinches heart when he sees the towns people singing without any presents at all. I can’t wait to sit down and start Bag 9. It’s time for us to start understanding each other again. “Touch your nose, now touch mine.”