Why don’t I feel comfortable here?
Poetry Drop, and it feels so good.
Why don’t I feel comfortable here The light is soft, and the room is cozy But the air is cold, and the space is empty I’m surrounded by loved ones and friends Yet I am alone In the fall, I drive with my windows down so I can breathe in the crisp autumn air The sun glows off the changing foliage, giving the air a yellow tint When I get home, I sit outside and watch my kids swing Their laughter warms my heart and calms my soul At night, we sit around the fire and listen to my oldest sing In my room, I hide in my closet I talk to myself, hoping someone will listen I allow the weight of my failures to wash over me This house is big, but I feel so small The memories are of the past, but the feelings are present In the summer, I escape AirPods in — I run for miles The sweat feels good dripping from my brow My mind clear — I think What’s next, plans for the weekend, how much further can I go today, and can I beat yesterday's time Nothing is where it should be, and the lawn is overgrown I should clean and mow, but I have a meeting at 6, and the girls have soccer til then When I’m done with work, it’s dark, and I’m exhausted I eat leftovers for the 3rd time this week, and go to bed In bed, I toss and turn, my body hurts, and my mind won’t rest In spring, it’s hot, then cold The green blinds and the air makes me sneeze I sit in the shade and watch my son run track I wonder if he’s thinking of weekend plans Probably just passing the guy in front There are places I go only when necessary I walk by them every day, yet they feel so foreign I think I avoid them because I’m so drained Or maybe I’m just lazy Probably both In the winter, I drink coffee and read in the morning light We cuddle up on the couch and watch old movies The air smells of baked goods and soup I miss the wood stove from childhood But I light candles to rekindle the memories Life is good, and I am loved But am I loved or am I forgotten Do I love or do I use Am I good or am I bad How will I know? Why am I not comfortable here Isn’t this the life I built Or was it built for me Is this living or is this suffering Am I Job or am I Phaedrus?
Reflection.
I’ve had this feeling inside me for some time. I have tried to get it out before, but it just comes out wrong. When it came to me, in its simplest form, I finally got it.
I just don’t feel comfortable here.
What I love about poetry is that it’s a great outlet for difficult thoughts and feelings. The thing about feelings is, they aren’t always real. While they may feel real, they can be creations of our hopes, fears, or insecurities. My poem is full of real moments scattered across my life. They represent parts of me that I have lost in pursuit of something new. Taken together as one moment, they mean something different from what they would mean if taken only in the context of the moment in which they existed.
The poem reflects my fears and challenges as I try to grow as an adult. While I sometimes feel alone, I am not. While I sometimes dwell on the past, I am mostly moving forward. While I struggle to understand what the right thing to do is, I am willing to accept my mistakes and learn from them.
I don’t feel comfortable here because I’m still growing. And while the seasons keep changing, I feel stuck in the same place. As a result, I feel restless. I know I will never be perfect, and I will always need to grow. But I just want to get to a place where I am good enough, just for a moment. Good enough to take care of those I love the most, to provide opportunity and protection.
And to the final question: Am I Job or am I Phaedrus? God allows Satan to test Job to see whether his faith is real or only based on his blessings. Phaedrus is a brilliant but obsessive thinker who became consumed with defining “Quality.” Job suffers while holding onto faith. Phaedrus tears everything apart in search of truth, questioning reality itself.
God has provided a pathway for me to grow, and I have decided to walk the path. While I sometimes feel obsessed with my mission, it’s my faith that keeps me from giving in to the madness. There is no singular answer to success or happiness; what is good and bad are not so easily defined for mere mortals like us. Sometimes we just need to pull back, forgive ourselves, recognize that we are doing our best, and enjoy the blessings God has provided us.
Peace & Love,
Jeff Mayhugh